2010

so many sweet and bitter memories in 2010. i almost end up a 9 years relationship because of my partner is not ready and others issues which is sooooo complicated . 2011, i hope you gonna give me the bestest best things ever .... ill be counting on you 2011. gonna start my study back, in the process of buying a huge asset .... my love life is... we r going to another phase.. ill pray everything will be fine. i already cut my long hair to short. really short.. and it almost blonde under the sunlight ... hahahahha :D
i was not happy for certain matters. dats the reason why i cut it short. i have no regret cause by the end of 2011 its gonna be long again...
i realize after i cut my hair short, i didnt get that much of sexual harassment.. hahahah meaning, there's no guys who trying to hit on me... they dont flirt with me, didnt show any interest at all.. while when i have this long red hair... they wink at me, smile at me .. say hye to me ... and so many others thing. its a frustration knowing that boys only like you cause of our looks not because of your attitude, ur kindness, and etc.

now

then

any different u notice? hurmm ~~ i dont know... my boys they kind of like both. but me. frankly speaking... i love both too.. hahahaha... when i wanna look fresh and young.. short hair is better. but if i wanna look that is more mature.. i turn to long hair.. well not everyone can pull this look right ?

p/s i still love you

once upon a time

here it goes.......

i fall for him .. without hesitate i fall......
from the way he talk, the way he walk.. the way he move and the way he think. he is such a brilliant man .. i have never met anyone like him, one in a million.. truly admire him..
i fall deeply in love with him ..

we talk, we smile, we laugh, we share, and at the end...
we love each other so much ..

then ,

thing goes wrong.. he become mean, become heartless
become the man you never want to see in him..
and you, you become un-rationale..
you yelled, you scream, you fight, you cursed a lot..
and he stood there, doing nothing..
look at you like u r some lunatic..
he point all the mistakes to you, without even think about you..
why did u gone mad, why did u feel so upset..
he dont care..
what he cares is, all about himself..
you want to understand the situation..
but he ignore u from point no.1 ...
so how are you supposed to open up ..
how r u supposed to accept...
how r u supposed to ?

then u sit down , u cried..
but hes not there... hes with someone else, in a hotel room ..
they look so happy together, she is the reason why he wanted to hang up the phone..
she is the main reason why he ignored you..
because of her...
she was his first love... then it will always be..
no matter how good you treat him, how much you give...
he aint gonna appreciate it the way he grateful for her..
you are just a story in his life..
without you, he aint gonna loose anything..
he said ' i love you very much ' ...
then you said, if you love me that much .. why you hang up the phone..
he yell thru the phone saying,
i said i have to, i dont wanna fight and bla bla bla...
so dear fella,
if youve been waiting the whole day to talk to him,
you've been sending all the nice words and sms...
saying you miss him..
why does he act like a bad boy ?
why does he lie to you saying he dont have the time to sms you, to tell you that hes on the way back, while he can tell her that " sayang, i on the way balik dah "
doesnt this make u upset?

you give him everything that every boy dream of from you ...
but he dont care, he don bother.. he dont want to hurt her, so he hurt you ..
knowing that you'll be there... you still gonna be there..
loving him..
much more each and every day ..

you wonder why you cant hate him,
cause how can you hate the person you love so much... it is actually toooo much ...

in the still of the night..
so you pray,
you pray everything's gonna be alryte..
you pray there's no
suicide notes
tomorrow..

Leaving on a jet plane

Sangat suke airport :)
Ia semacam menggambarkan kehilangan, perpisahan, lari, sunyi,....
Untung org yg kje airport, hari2 dia lari... Cuma bezanya airport itu sebahagian dri hidupnya...
Walhal utk org mcm aku, ia semacam dunia berbeza..

SEOUL..
Pertama kali terasing begitu jauh dari realiti....
Rasanya tidak seberat mana..
Sunyi ? Teman sentiasa ada bersama, tidur bersama, makan bersama, gelak2 sama... Dan DI kaki tangga bersama :D
Ada sebahagian yg telah membygkn jika ada anak2 bersama, bermain di taman, wahhh.. Indah dunia yg kau bayangkn..
SNAP sebentar, mari pulang jejak dunia kita...

Cinta,
Tiada apa yg kurang disini..
Semua yg kau cari ada..
Buka mata sayang..
Aku ada disini, atas pangkuanmu..
Menangisi semua lelah, semua resah, semua keluh yg buat jiwa ku luluh..
Sentuh hatiku, lurut semula semua dengan belaianmu..
Di kaki tangga , atau dalam kereta.. Waima kasih di mana saja,
Cintai aku..
Beri aku indah walau di mana kita..
Malam itu tika aku menggila, perawan ku sudah tampak jelek...
terima kasih kerana masih bisa kucup aku.. Terima kasih kerna mahu luang lebih masa lgi, walau kau harus pulang kerana waktu telah tiba..
Terima kasih..
Semalam kau kata , lebih baik aku ini mati jiwa, dari punya jiwa dan perasaan ...
Maka .. Demi kamu , aku cuba mati hari ini. Tika kau harus pergi berulang kali dengan john mayer dan tubuh wonderland itu.. Aku bisu dan senyum..
Aku harap.. Aku bisa bisu setiap kali perkara2 yg harus ku fahami tercetus..
Moga aku kuat selalu ..
Moga yah~


Ps: tidak pernah ada penyesalan atas perkara yg melibatkan kamu..

takuya kimura : naohito fujiki

ini lelaki pujaanku..
selamanya akan menjadi pujaan :)

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." - BOB MARLEY

moose o moose

da agak lama tak buat kerja2 nie. sekarang inilah wallpaper aku! huhuhuhu... he caught my eyes. demmit~~! mana nak dapat laki macam ni dalam dunia aku sekarang? memang x jumperlaa.. makanya bole admire macam gini jerlaaaa... adoii. i am seriously suker giller mamat nih. i love the way he move~~ fuck ahh!! tersangat lah hebat!!!

Fantasia Musim Cinta

teringat dulu zaman sekolah rendah ..
hehehehhehe :P

tebuan ke lebah ?

tebuan ke lebah? well, aku tak reti sangat nak klasifikasikan ia lebah atau tebuan. hahahha... hermmm ~~ sebelum ni, rumah sewa aku mmg pernah jadi rumah singgahan semetara sang tebuan/lebah yang telah berhijrah beramai-ramai ke dapur rumahku dan cuba membuat rumah baru mereka disitu .. housemate ambil keputusan call JABATAN PERTAHANAN AWAM, dioranglaaa yang menghapuskan tebuan2/lebah2 sesat tersebut, abesss dibakarnya. hehehhe tapi, tak tahu laaa, dari mana datangnya 2 atau 3 ekor lebah yang selalu merayau di dalam bilik air aku. kalau bangun pagi nak gie kjer pagie mesti dia ada, dalam sebulan akan say HI dekat 3 ke 4 kali jugak.. tapi sebelum ni tak pernah laaa ia menyerang .. tapi ada satu hari ni nasib tak baik, masuk bilik air, tak nampak dia terlantar atas lantai maka terpijak lah ia, dan akhirnya kakiku yang kena pijak ini bengkak seribu ~~ Nasib tak baik nak buat macam mana, abisss MC dari berkerja kerana tidak dapat berjalan dengan sempurna. sakitnya, tuhan jer yang tahu ... adehhh ~~ hari jumpa 2 ekor tebuan/lebah yang bunuh diri dalam bilik air aku , asal korang commit suicide kat sini ? carilahh tempat lainnnnnn ~!!!

, the weekdays

im not quite sure how to start. its been a few days after THE DAY , but i cant seems to forget it. every details, every single words. its in my mind... i cant let go.

i hope you are happy saying all the things to me..

i really hope you did

enjoy the moment sir

life is not always bright

it aint

one day u up, and then, thats it. times up!

nothing wrong with being humble, nothing wrong with respect each other. nothing wrong treating people with dignity rather than treat them like rubbish.

i quote " when somebody that you trust, somebody that you thought you can rely in certain matter, burn you in hell for a very simple matters . you should leave. cause no matter what, your service is not appreciated anymore "

we human kind, we have feelings sir. if im the kind, who will drug myself after humiliation u did to me, you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. sometimes better think wisely before you open your mouth, sometimes please have some mercy. sometimes why dont be more rationale?
sometimes we should leave our personal problems outside, not carry it to ______

sometimes, life is cruel

sometimes, it shows how a person really is..

sometimes , after certain times, then only you can differentiate between diamond and glass

sometimes.... im just BLIND

life is no nintendo game

I can’t tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there’s a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can’t breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as it feels right

Grey's Anatomy : Derek and Meredith

i love both of them
they make it looks sooooo real
i wonder does such beauty exist
they touched my heart, without doubt!
every time they were together
it seems soooooooooo
beautiful
** peace

[MV HD ENG SUB] Big Bang - Tell Me Goodbye

Ken Hirai - Elegy

• tell me, why shoudnt i love HIM, I SHOULD isnt it?
  
• he is fucking awesome arghhh ..
• melting +++
• nie lagu best dengar bila tgh sedih , feeling abess .
  

David Cook- Always be my baby(Studio Version)

seriously want to HATE this song, tapi memang tak boleh langsung. not worth it untuk memekakkan telinga dari mendengarnya.. so people , enjoy!

the PLAN is on

yeah, very determine to start back study. lama sangat tangguh ! early this year, ayah tanya taknak ambik MENTOR COURSE ker? erk ?!
belum lagi la kot, tunggu lepas 5tahun berkhidmat, and ada degree, baru fikir nak amik. ok x? i heard some of the senior want to further --> master in NURSING, ahhh ~ bestnya, takpe2 pelan2 kayuh. jauh lagi perjalanan.
last weekend buka puasa dengan family memang best. makan banyak gile :D hahahaha... and my mum make a lempeng cicah kuah durian, perghhh------ sedapnye, lama dah tak makan . i love you MAMA.
and BOY was thinking of cooking for sahur ! huhuhuh , and mama terus nak belikan dapur gas untuk dia bawak balik sepang, heheheh.. semangat RAMADHAN nie lain betul :)
hari ni dah berjaya request untuk raya , phewwww~~~ nasib baik masih sempat. ingatkan taksempat dah.
souvenir post sydney belum diagih2kan lagi, tunggulaaa meeting dulu dengan big boss! okeh kawan2 ... UMAIRAH jer yang dah dapat gift dia .. hehehehhe
bring back MIKA's home, he made a lot of noise hehehhe... tapi bila disogokkan dengan jambu air. senyap.... dah boleh jalan dekat atas tangan dah .. yay !!

ps: minggu pertama ramadhan yang tenang

I dont LOVE you just to get HURT
If i dont LOVE you then i wouldnt CARE

Some people said time heal all the wound.
I wish its true. But the wound keep bleeding, i dont like being hurt while i didnt hurt u even a bit. Believe me i try my best to hold on, not to cry for u who dont even care bout my feelings..
I wish i was strong..
I put an effort not to cry, but i cant!
The feeling is too much for me...
Just
Too much
Being away means i suffer more than usual..

**sigh

A i S h ~~

perempuan,
kita sama perempuan..
ada setengah perkara kau lakukan melampaui batas...
ada setengah perkara...
selama ini tidak aku terima akal...
sekarang aku membuka minda...
untuk kebahagiaan kita....
perempuan,
aku akan bersabar dengan sikapmu..
aku tahu durjana itu sahabat baikmu ...
aku tau menggeletis itu makananmu ..
tapi jangan kau ganggu hidupku ...
kerana,
aku tidak pernah sekali memberi kau minum racun.....
hentikanlah semua ...
aku tidak pasti seberapa lama akan aku bersabar..
aku berdoa moga tuhan lindungi aku ...
dari amarah kerana sifat kotormu ..
pada insan yang aku rindu , yang aku sayang ....
akan ku cuba terapkan dalam diriku ...
dunia ini kejam...

you are not stupid

i didnt make up stories and you are not stupid...
i didnt lie to you... and you are not stupid...
the plan has changed and you are not stupid...
you always tink you are right and you are not stupid ...
im sick and tired of this again and again and again and you are not stupid..
i dont care what you do with her and im not stupid ...
i dont ask question what are you doing with her and im not stupid ..
i dont fucking care ...
if i hurt you im sorry ...
may all the blame be on me ...
your happiness is what is all about,...
just want you to be happy...
dats it ...
dats it ...
i FUCKING DID NOT LIE TO YOU ...

my little secret

i forgive you
but i will never forget
i will always treat you right
but u made a wound in my heart
it wont heal
as long as i love you
as long as i live

i dont know either its a good thing or not.
never been treat that way. something wrong somewhere...
how can a person who is always be good to you, suddenly, punch you on your face. right and straight. that person, that you love so much, that you always be good to him, never let he feels down, you never burden him with worries when he has sooooooo much to think about. act so differently... like you dont know him anymore....
i remember when my friends did a big and huge mistakes... ive been sooo good, support her, cried with her.... dont talk bad to her, i dont let her spirit down... i lift it up..... try my best to cheer her, make her smile. be with her and makes her happy. but ...... IT AINT THE SAME WITH ME..!!

**************************************************************************************

apa korang rasa bila benda korang tak buat, tapi dituduh buat? sakit hati tak? aku dah penat ass meyakinkan, aku takder kudrat nak cakap aper lagi. semua benda nak ikut apa dia fikir. ingat aper? selama dia buat silap kat aku, aku tak pernah fikir benda yang sama setiap kali dia buat something yang menyakitkan hati. ya tuhan kenapa aku baik sangat? tak boleh ke keras hati macam dia? tak boleh ke? kenapa aku tak boleh nak pentingkan diri sendiri? kenapa tak for once aku fikir, suke hatilahhhh kau nak fikir ape? kenapa aku x mcm tuuuu? kenapa aku peduli sangat nak explain, sedangkan orang taknak dengar pun, sebab pada dia, dia sorang jer betul. bila dia buat salah, kau tatang dia macam minyak yang penuh. kau spoiled dia, tapi bila kau.... dia ungkit sampai mati kannnn?

loosing grip

"When I Look At You"

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody
When the nights are long

'cause there is no guarantee
That this life is easy

when my world is falling apart
When there's no light
To break up the dark
That's when I
I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

When I look at you
I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

Yeah when my world is falling apart
When there's no light
To break up the dark
That's when I
I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me
All I need
Every breath that I breathe
Don't you know you're beautiful
When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

I look at you
You appear just like dream to me

Aku ingin kepastian bukan kata kosong

its gonna be a long journey. i fall sick again. my nose is soooo stuffy ryte now. arghhh~~ tension jer.
but for you my friend , akan ku gagahkan diri ke hari persandinganmu.
nanti karoke nak nyanyi lagu TENDA BIRU ... heheheh
ada terfikir nak bawak adik jalan2 bulan nie, tpi hemmm kewangan tak mengizinkan sebab banyak sangat daa guna duit bulan nie. kenduri kahwin, road tax renew... perghhhhh~~ cucukp2 makan2 jer... bolehlaa belanja adik2 roti canai... hihihihih
aku doakan yang terbaik untuk AZILA MOHAMAD... moga segalanya berjalan lancar, dan hidup bahagia hingga ke anak cucu. alhamdullillah .... syukur nikmat ALLAH. ...


ps: things has been sorted out.

8 years

Ive been asking the question over n over again.. Ur answer will be the same .

You said ' im not ready . Its not about the money, im just not ready '

It hurts me mr. It did .. its been 8years, how can u still not ready? Im not ready either.. But i want to face it together.. But you dont want it yet.. With me..

As a girl, i proposed to you ... Its sad, it is sooo sad... And everytime u said u r not ready it was like a rejection to me...
Babe, you will never understand what i feels..

And now, june 7 , i decided to stop thinking of you not being ready... I wanted peace.. I want to back off from our relationship... And suddenly you change your mind...

Me : y all of sudden you said you can? While selama ni you x ready, after i decide nak back off .. Terus u boleh pulak.

You: because i have no options. Because you nak sangat

Me: u want to marry me cause of you dont have options? babe.. You hurt me. Y r u doing this to me?

All of sudden you ve change your mind...
And when i said i cant let it happened cause of you have no options.. You accused me of finding a reason to leave you...
You break my heart.. Seriously bREAKINg it.. And you dont realize that..
You put the blame on me..

Bard, perkahwinan bukan sesuatu yang kita bina atas paksaan, ia takkan pernah terjadi dengan indahnya kalau itu yang kau fikir. Aku takkan biar kau hancur, mengiyakan semua ini untuk kepentinganku.. Kerana suatu hari nanti, andai ada badai melanda.. Akulah insan yang paling menyesal kerana membenarkannya berlaku. Kerana aku mau! Ia harus dibina atas cinta, ikhlas dari hatimu ingin aku jadi bidadari dalan duniamu, bukan atas keterpaksaan begini rupa, ia bagai penghinaan sebenarnya!!!!

4 tahun lebih dahhh ~~

pejam celik, dah hampir 4 tahun menghabiskan kudrat kat IJN. tak pernah tukar angin ke wad lain. kalau ada pun masa attachment jer. itu pun masih rasa takder tempat lebih baik dari ICU.
rasanya , kalau diikutkan dah tertulis takdir mengatakan ICU itu rumah pertama aku. my mom was an ICU nurse. im proud of her. i do.
dulu2,masa tuu kene hentam dengan senior, bukan sikit, teruk wooo!. nangis? mestilahhh ~~ hahahaha
tapi ASSUNTA dah ajar untuk jadi tough. so, takde hal laaaa.....
dulu2.... senior kalau tak puas hati dengan surgeon, diorang boleh tinggal jer patient. tapi, sekarang, surgeon untung, mana ada nurse yang berani tinggal patient dia :)
makin lama, makin penat kerja.. stress tuu dah tahap sampai ke hidung daaa. workload makin tinggi. ICU tuu dah jadi besar ARSE! dulu ade 18 katil tapi tak besar sangat space dia. sekarang, macam DEWAN ORANG KAWEN ICU - A tuu, herm.... kalau jadi TEAM LEADER memang laaaa boleh jadik senak perut, susah nafas. kiter dok berlari ke sana ke mari, orang sekeliling dok cari kita, ader blood nak release? CSSD datang nak amik items untuk sterilization, cari TL jugak.. OT TECH datang nak katil, TL !!!, pt balik dari OT, TL kene ader, macam2 laaa yang memerlukan TL... kesian TL. hehehehhe
dulu masa junior, patient teruk kiterlaaaa first kener jaga, tapi dulu lebih consider, sebab diorang akan tengok kalau semalam jaga petient teruk, hari ni beban light sikit. nowdays ... jangan harap laaa..
sebab junior belum boleh di beri harapan yang tinggi untuk jaga patient2 teruk, so apa pun muka yang sama laaa yang menjaga.
tak tau bila junior nak pandai... dulu lain, sekarang lain kan?
dulu junior tak manja ( zaman aku dulu la ) sekarang junior manja arse !
memanglaaa bukan semua, tapi boleh kira dengan jari junior yang strong, tak ramai.
nak kejer kat ICU kene tough, kener ajar diri jadi tough. susah laaa kalau cengeng, dan sukar terima kritikan. memang laa susah.....
apa pun, harap tubuh ni masih kuat nak bagi servis untuk negara, kalau boleh tak larat nak kerja kalau da kawin. hahahahaha... plan nak amik degree ni, tak amik2 lagi... tak tau bila nak mula... hermmm ~~ doakan yang terbaik jerla.,... insya allah

how does it feel?

how does it feel?
when you can walk together
watch sunset
side by side
on the same beach
at the same time
how does it feel?
when you can sleep
very tight
without feelings worried
that tomorrow will come
how does it feel?
when you can go where ever you want
which ever time
how ever way
without anyone permission
how does it feel?
to share everything together
share a feeling
share a shelter
share a boys and girls together
how does it feel?
to be loved
to be always loved
by people you hurt
by people you hurt the most
how does it feel?

Been gewd

It has been a good week
Very close to the old days
When i always smile and
There's no tears in my eyes
I forgot how to feels sad
I hope this feeling wont last
Im happy that i am happy
Just wanna be happy

F c U K

Fucked
Fucked
Fucked

Life is full of SHIT
You are ALONE
He is not YOURS
Never gonna be YOURS
Reality HURTS
She's WIN
You shoud kill yourself LOSER
What the HELL are you thinking?
Do you think he gonna leave her side just to be with you? HELL no!
Used you brain STUPID GIRL
You can never RELY on HOPE
FUCK LOVE

Ps: babe, dont fall anymore, you getting deeper, and its gonna HURT.. I love you BFF

siapa aku di hatimu ?
siapa sebenarnya? perasaanku kau tidak endah
kau masih bisa lena..
sedang aku ..
terpuruk di dada sesak memikirkanmu

hati yang kau sakiti

dia lelaki paling kejam, yang pernah aku temui
melukai aku sedalm dalamnya
dan sehebat hebatnya
tanpa rasa belas kasihan
dia yang selalu menuduh yang bukan bukan
dia
dialah yang paling aku sayang
yang paling aku cinta
yang telah ku gadai semua untuknya
namun
ku rasa semua itu tiada erti padanya sedarkah dia,
aku tidah harap istana di hujung perjalanan kita
aku cuma mengharap bahagia tika kita masih bernyawa
namun setiap kali itu juga, air mata yang kau beri
pertuduhanmu tiap kali kau salah laku padaku,
kau balikkan padaku
yang akhirnya aku yang tinggal sendiri merana seorang diri...
tuhan , perlukan aku panjatkan doa, satu balasan untuknya, agar dia mengerti setiap luka yang dia beri aku sangat terseksa..
tuhan, lindungilah aku dari kata2 nista ..
tuhan, tolong aku
aku ingin kuat, aku ingin cukup sabar..
tapi aku tidak mampu..
godaan helahnya begitu kuat untuk buat aku melawan setiap kata2nya..
mana mungkin aku bertahan sunyi bila saja dia kata ..
aku tidak memberi sepenuhnya, sedangkan dia telah ku beri AKU....

Damn~

I remember when u get mad cause of he enter our playground, but now you let her do the same too... And i cant get angry coz she belongs to that place , she deserve it .. Coz she is your first LOVE , the one that you build a family with her.... And i just can do nothing, sighing of it... Pathetically!
Love, you were so heartbroken when it happened to you, while when it slap me on my face... I still laugh and share, i dont pull a face like you did to me ... Im treating you soo nice kann? I guess im just weak... Given you 100% of me, while i get 100 divided by three... Ohhh life :)
I have nothing to regret :)
I enjoy every moment and second with you , i cherish you with all of my heart, and i will always do..

** thanks friend for sharing, i wrote this on behalf of you, you are strong! Keep it up **

extra

certain men will never change.
player will always be player.
BFF,
i know he broke your heart. i guess, he broke my heart too
why is she? i dont know, im sure we both dont understand why , but... HOT STUFF isnt it.
remember when he said im season already ? we should have sense it there and there, so that it wont break your heart that much.
remember when i told you not to fall for him, cause im very sure you gonna fall hard on him.
and remember when he played behind you....
remember? and the best thing is...
when he said i LIED...
thats the worse !! fuck that son of a bitch !! thats too much already ...
babe,
you re worth more than it... you deserve a man , a real man who is gonna treat you right.
who gonna love you till your last breathe.. the one who will always be there, and never take you for granted...
im sorry for what has happened..
and you,
i have nothing else to say ,
thanks for this life experience ..

it is just SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE INVOLVES


*************************************************************************************

gembira itu sukar

mencintai lelaki yang takkan pernah jadi milikmu adalah bagai menempah tiket untuk mati
kerana kau tahu, dia tidak akan pernah dapat bersamamu ketika kau perlukannya
aku tahu kau korban semua untuknya
telah kau gadaikan jiwa
dan aku tahu
dia juga menggadaikan hidupnya untukmu
tapi sedarkah kau situasi mu berbeza
sedarkah itu?
sakit semuanya kau tanggung sendiri
tidak bisa hebah pada dunia
kerana dosa itu kau yang punya
kenapa , mengapa kau berlembut dengannya??
kenapa hatimu tidak bisa sekukuh konkrit?
sewenangnya dia tinggal kau satu malam hanya kerana emosimu terganggu?
mana lelaki itu? lelaki yang akan mendambamu tika sakit, tika sukar, tika tangis, tika semua rasa yang kau ada terkumpul .... di mana lelaki itu ?
gembira itu sukar

amukan tanpa sumpah

kau kembali menyiksa
kata dan perbuatan tak sealur nada
pembunuhan yang kau lakukan ini
sekali lagi buat aku hilang jiwa
mengapa aku biarkan
mengapa?
sadis, goresan bilah tajam pada hati
luka berdarah kembali
jari jemari menunutu bela
tapi seakan tidak berdaya lagi
apa kata hati
apa rasa mati
tuhan, sesekali aku ingin dipanggil mengadap MU
kerana dunia menyiksa dengan sangat tiada peri
aku tertipu dengan janji manis
topeng topeng ikhlas yang punya kasih
tapi bila ku tuntut kasihnya
dia tiada padaku
dia pulang pada usai cinta lama yang telah dibina dulu
cinta ini hanya sekedar singgahan dunia semata
itu yang dapat aku lihat
bagaimana tuhan bisa aku tahan hidupku
pada lumrah dunia begini yang kejam sekali
pada siapa harus aku mengadu
sedang dia tidak mahu mendengar
tidak peduli
tidak mahu ambil tahu
akhirnya aku dipersalahkan atas lenanya aku dibuai mimpi petang
kerana habis lelah
tiada tenaga
bisakah aku bertahan untuk itu? dipersalahkan atas sebab yang bukan apa2..
tapi sengaja mencari alasan untuk buat aku derita...
semua alasan kau hari ini
tiada satu yang munasabah
tolonglaaaa
berhenti
berhenti membunuhku, aku ingin bahagia, berikannya semula
tolong, berikan !!!!!!!

dalam setiap alur

empty again
knowing something but i was not in the plan
loves will be gone by end of the week
never tell me
never said anything
why was that
i will never know
so my feeling is not something that you want to hold
want to loves
my heart
my heart my damn precious heart
is gone again
breaking aching
damn!

s i a p a

aku tidak mampu berhenti ..
mencintaimu dan menyayangimu sepenuh hatiku..
kerana aku korban semua ..
kerana aku beri semua..
aku beri kau aku..
jangan usik perasaanku lagi..
aku tidak mampu menangis setiap hari ..
atas perkara yang kau boleh hindari...
sayang aku rindu ...
kau yang selalu membelai aku..
walau hanya untuk seketika..
tapi kau beri aku kasih.. kau beri aku sayang..
kini..
kata-katamu bagai halilintar..
kau panah aku..
membakar jiwaku..
katamu..nadamu..
sakit..
sayang..
kenapa begitu..
kenapa...
apa telah aku beri untuk kau buat begitu..
bukan aku tidak faham..
bukan aku tidak mahu faham..
sayang..
aku cuma cinta..
aku cuma rindu..
geloranya hanya aku yang tahu..
sayang..
aku tidak punya bahagia seperti yang kau ada..
kasihanilah aku..
tolong..
beri perhatianmu padaku..
tika aku sakit..
menangis..
meratap..
aku tahu kau sedang gembira..
di syurgamu..
bahagia..
sedang aku..
di sini..
di kamar merahku..
mengenangkanmu..

j u s t

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love enough to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day



Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most love for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...
No broken-hearted girl

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you

b r o k e n

it used to be damn easy to fix a broken heart. i can just plaster my heart with a medicated bandage so that the wound will heal. i guess i asked too much from you. even they didnt do the thing i do ..
so , siapa i nak memandai kan?
frunstration is all i feels .... a very huge frustration .. fuck ahh!
i wonder why i cant treat you like full or rationale? why did i treat you like you belongs to me .. why did i treat you like im a guy and ur not. i want to conquer you , but u cant conquer me! i can do whatever shit i want to do while u cant ! why i acted like this?
fuck! i dont know where i belongs ....

R E V 3 N G E

I realize, one thing for sure, you will hurt me, trying your best to hurt me, came up with bizzare speculation of what has happened over the weekend, while actually... You are the one who has spend a splendid moment with her.. When u came back, i dont even want to know, dont even said anything bout what have u done there, but you.. You are the one who keep on bugging me with the tots u had in your head.. I know you need to express what you feel inside.. I know and i do understand, but have you ever think about me? What i feel? What i think? And my tots? Do you bother to hear me? To understand? I dont want to create trouble.. Certain things i cant tell you verbally.. Whatever it is.. Im sorry if i ever hurt you.. And im glad for few reasons that it is only for me to know..


Love, laugh, tears..

behind all the smile, laugh, i still feel empty. missing something in life. i dont know what, should i try to search for it, and if i succeed, will it makes me happy again. this emptiness , feeling alone even everyone is around you.. its pathetic.
i guess when people took advantages of you, taken you for granted, be with you just to get something, and when they're done.... you are out of the list ... this is so fucking frustrated right? .. disappointment ... they disconnect you from their life .... you thought their so sincere being your friends, is there a silver lining for all these....
i wanted to cherish every person , every single soul, but im scared.. they will hurt me soo bad, again and again and again....
but still... i ended trusted you my friends...
mummy didnt taught me to be cruel , you can say anything to me again and again.. but i will remain the same .. i wish i can be cruel ....

pening tak tau apa point sebenarnya.. random jer

banyak benda dalam hidup yang mengecewakan
kadang2 tak tahu nak mula dari yang mana
kadang2 penat fikir
bila satu tahap, kita ingat kita dah rasa kebahagian, tapi sebenarnya.... malapetaka yang melanda.
kenapa susah sangat? mungkin asal niatnya salah, tapi benda ni bukan benda jahat,
perasaan bukan datang dipaksa2.. benda tuu sendiri hadir... tak perlu suruh, automatik, jadilah ...
mungkin dulu boleh elak, sekarang bila dah terlambat... kita cuma nak rasa bahagia jer...
berkongsi memang kita tau ..
bukan perkara mudah , sedang dalam duduk tempat yang tidak sepatutnya kita kongsi , kita masih rela kongsi .. bukan senang ..
selalu kene tuduh macam2 .. sebab berkongsi ..
cuba rasa hidup orang yang berkongsi tu, baru tau macam mana...
pentingkan diri , itu satu sifat terpuji agaknya sekarang ni .. sebab selalu kita dengar , kalau nak bahagia, kalau taknak orang sakitkan hati kita, kita kena jual ikan, tapi macam mana dengan orang yang selalu mengalah asyik beli jer ikan tuu ? ada tak orng yang jual ikan tuu terfikir nak beli balik ikan dia jual ? ada ke?
tengah2 malam bila tak dapat tido, jadila benda2 macam ni , pastu esok kalau gie kjer nampak semacam jer tuduh laa macam2... cakap kerja keras malam tadi la, aper la.. haishhh ... tak penat ke fikir benda2 macam tu ? kang nanti terbaca apa kiter tulis sini , mula la melenting, cakap macam2, tuduh macam2 lagi , adui ... kiter nak luah perasaan jer, kalau awak nak luah , luahla..tapi janganla cakap kita macam2... awak bila bercakap kejam... macam2 tau awak tuduh kiter.. kiter taulaa kiter tak baik sangat .. semua manusia pun buat silap, awak pun, sama jer, untung awak tak kantoi lagi jer dengan kiter.. kalau kantoi sama jer jugak nanti ... kiter taknak cakap dekat awak apa pun, kiter post sini .. secara kasar .. kiter post ni untuk sape2 jerlaa yang kite rasa pernah buat kiter terasa mana2 ... kiter maafkan awak ...

disaster at 3am

frustration struck me at 3.am in the morning. i was surfing the net, layan myTV3 .. terpengaruh dgn ly4 and jill .. hohohohoh.. and all of sudden tersurf something and fucking shit!! i hate to see it!!
i remember all the time when __ acting like i did so many mistakes, but actually behind my back, __ did the same what i did .. so fuck off !!!!!!!!!
janganla act baik giller depan aku padahal ko pun sama jer dowh!
cakap aku mcm2 kot!! tapi pusing kalu, apa aku buat, ko buat jugak !! aperhall???
bengang ass....
ntahlaaa... tak tau macam mana nak cakap ....

yes, aku taknak amek tau, aku taknak amik peduli , tapi damn!!! aku manusia biasa, sifat ingin tahu, ambil tahu tuu memang ada ahhh ..... sebab.... kau ada dalam hidup aku .....aku tak sempurna mana, well kau pun!!!!!

this is just to divert the feeling... :)

"In your brown eyes I was feeling low
'Cause they're brown eyes and you never know
Got some brown eyes but I saw her face
I knew that it was wrong"

"Something I saw, something I know did not belong to me
But then I thought theres no way you would do that to me
Then last week, when you went aside to use your phone
I felt a chill but told myself that it was from the cold
And I just woke up, but I wish that it was a nightmare
Cos when I have those, it isnt real like this one is"



ps: i wont hate you.

11C
i just want to tell you
i miss you

Remember me

Heavy! But i like.. Need to watch movie that makes me think, well.. Remember me.. Family, loves, brotherhood, siblings, divorce. And everything in between, but sadly the hero died. Herm.. I dont like that part.. I guess not all movie the hero will survive , isnt it?
These few days, riot!! Life's sooo upside down, tunggang terbalik habiss! Ive cried a few days ago, if you re not ready for comitment dont tell me you love me, all of sudden, i feels like i dont know him anymore.. The changes, is unACCEPTABLE for a 8 years relationship. he said things ive never imagine will came out from his mouth. It hurt so bad! I wish i could dissapear! Damn, where's my heart?
Warewolf , when he acting cold, he actually very warm inside. I need to be extra patience with him. he's a good warewolf, the one you want to love for the rest of your life..

Ps: erase my mind

an evening with WEREWOLF

tuesday - not bad.
but, suddenly ada changes kat tempat kejer, so kene follow la.
agak beban tapi tengokla dulu macam mana... apa2 pun boleh bincang kan?
first time hari ni ada dua orang student nurse dari OMAN tag with me- kesian diorang, i cant teach them much as i need to supervised one of my junior yang x sampai sebulan kejer, and ada student nurse dari unity college, and i ada patient to jaga myself. so- buat apa yang termampu laaa....
dat OMAN's stn was fine, when i asked them how's the technologies in OMAN, they said it almost the same, but they didnt use flowchart anymore. all in computer. well - we just started using computer, but we still chart in flowchart. i tink the surgeons think that there's soooo many things that they can rely on flowchart. it was not perfect and not that convenience. mebbe, and sometimes it was not link to each other, so susahlaa... masa buat trial pun still ada yang tak link. macam mana kan??
that unity girl did help me, not much but she's a good helper :) hehehehe...
then, i've to confront with some conflicts and dramas and.. arghh... dont wanna tell la.. so fcuking sux . argument on the phone. , high pitched of voice tone, curse words... tears.. hermm... god knows why.
anyway, post traumatic melodrama moment was awesome, cant tell.. toooo beautiful to share. hahahahah. it was like bella and jacob, no matter what, they always need each other.

ps: wicked tuesday !

It hurt so bad
Every words
Every s i n g l e words
God help me

129

pagi bersama 129, awesome!
cvvh + swan ganz + IABP
Lya + VAD .. been left alone for 3hours straight.. hahhaha
(so the rumors was right isn it? - that u surely gotto do all the stuffs alone )
whatever it is ...
it was a good MONDAY...
i fall asleep the whole evening.. hohohoho
heaven
woke up at 11.55pm
the first thing i do - check my FB..
Jill was around, so i buzz her...
Jill is getting marry- dia da gie kursus kahwin ( dia cakap best )
hahahaha
Jimbo sms me- lya teman dia jumpa dr. as he was sick.
( im happy for you JIMBO )
i have the idea of JIM + LYA together.. i dont know why ..




they met at SEOUL, and here.... so many things happened between them + me laa.....
it was like a fairytale jugak, if things work out for them ..
both are good people, they meant for each other..
but who knows.. God Will... again QUE SERA SERA

ps: aku doakan yang terbaik untuk korang .. happily ever after :)
my own fairytale? i wonder..~~

2.30AM , MAR 21

nowdays
it is hard to fall asleep at night
especially when the time passed 12midnight
am i having a sleeping disorder?
or
there's sooo many things in my head
and myself, my body, my brain canT stop respond to it
till im too exhausted thinking about it
then only
i fall
asleep
in times when i face difficulties
i turn to KEN, his voice very soothing
i can feel the soul that he put in every song that he sang
the sound of it..
was beautiful for me
yesterday night, was a big night.. there was a fight..
and it ended up
quite BAD.. i let it happened sooo many times.. that last night
i just cant ACCEPT it anymore.. so ...
as it is ...

p/s the above pic. is KEN HIRAI

A N O N Y M O U S

dear you,
i dont know how to tell this,
i know u r a good guy, but that doesnt mean you can say anything you want..
i know im just a girl for you, i know that you do deeds a lot more than me,
i didnt ask much from you.. cant you just respect me for who i am...
saying harSh words, look down at me , fine! i can accept that, but, why you didnt said the same damn thing to others who do rubbish worse than me? why is that?
sometimes you play nice to me, the next day, you dont even notice im around...
okay, again... iM fine with that ...
you ve been doing this since i know you... but sadly.. it happened only to me..
not to other girl you met, not to other BITCH...
just me...
despite that ....
my friend,
i never treat you wrong, never i say bad about you to others...
even when you smack me on my FACE in front of others like i have no dignity ....
im still gonna be your friend. .
it just that i dont understand..
WHY ME ?

it was SUMMER

i HATE this feeling!!!!!!!
why cant u listen? why cant you just, at least back me up, stand up for me !! damn, u said u care for me .... but u chose others than me.. so, whats that really mean? is that how much it cost to love me? let them smack me HARD and HARSH and u sat there do nothing!!!.... im sick n tired of this fucking SHIT !! i HAD bare for a very long time ... and now, i explode myself... u dont care!! u just DONT !!!!!! I HATE IT !!!!!
devastated, hated, angry ... but actually .. im feeling sooo SAD, fucking sad !! why is this happening to me? babe, i stood up for you , always.... u do shit to me, im still around. i know i do SHIT a lot more than you... ask urself why ??????????????
nothing gonna change i guess.... should i go away? should i just give up ? this? i dont know what to do ... i just dont know ..
is this what i have to pay, for being here, being there, everytime you need me ... be your friends, be a person that you can rely on... but ... im just not good enough !!.. bla bla bla... you got your own reason for doing things uve did.. ha ha ha .......
i HATED MYSELF FOR THIS !!!!!!!!!!!

H u g s

She hug me
And kiss me
They love me
I love them too
A l w a y s

SSDD

"i do this coz u did that and u said u do dis coz i did dat"

so what makes u so different than me?

p/s im still around

S 3 1 V W

i dont understand of the way how people treating me
they either too cruel
too heartlesS ( not for maha 740 )
or too rigid
or
am i too nice
too kind
too strong
well not really
" i dont buy your cry, u gonna be ok later "
what? am i supposed to feel so sad the whole time ke?
if you can divert your feelings, ME too..
if you need to look happy... well i need too
we play the same game..
remember?

on NIGHT mode

NIGHT SHIFT... is the BOMB! ... i love night shift. anything could happen. from code BLUE to no code at all.... difficult, yet challenging. normally for fresh case... and complicated case... you can never know what to expect from him. he can be sooooooo good, but then suddenly, he'll play the game non stop until when it almost finish shift, then only, he will stop the games. he'll be bleeding non stop, make u a mad women, trying your hard to get the blood to arrive on time before its too late, before he loss volume for his heart to pump, before the surgeon yell at you for re-open, before everybody panic, before the blade cut thru his chest again, before the sucker on, before the TEAM come.... owh.. to avoid all this... is HARD. there is time, when EMERGENCY occur, even theconsultant will scrub in to safe a life. even that particular consultant- who is helping- is not in charge of him... TEAMWORK.. you need this everywhere, but here... you need it 24/7. no compromise... u cant work alone darling, you need you friends to be around.. you need them.. it is not easy to get thru 7hours, what else if u have 10hours of sleepless night... your neighbour might be your BIGGEST enemy, but when it comes to save a life... you will forget that... and continue the fight later... the feeling is unspeakeable .... when he survive, you survive..

kadang selalu tidak pasti, kadang yang telah diputuskan, apakah yang terbaik untuk kita? hidup bila mencari selalu sukar, tetapi bila mengendahkan, terasa kosong. jadi harus bagaimana?
perasaan, satu konteks yang tiada betul, tiada salah. apa yang di rasa, tiada siapa boleh sangkal. masing-masing punya firasat sendiri, masing-masing fikir... tiada salahnya berkongsi, mana tahu ada yang terbuka mindanya. kamu , bila ada cinta bertandang.. usahalah.. mana tahu dia untukmu.. kerana tanpa usaha... mungkin jadi sia-sia... jangan sampai bila dia berpunya, baru rasa kehilangan.. tika itu mungkin segalanya terlambat... jangan bilang padaku, aku memaksa... kerana tidak sama sekali... aku cuma bercerita.. tentang hati.. tentang aku.. tentang kau.. tentang dia.... tentang cinta.. tentang hidup .. kamu , semua tentang kamu indah , tiada yang kurang dari pandangan mata, memang bisa terliur mana-mana pria.... :) kan?
aku tahu ada satu cinta, dia bukan untukmu.... dia bukan untuk siapa-siapa.. tetapi, bagaimana harus kau kata tidak padanya... kerana dia agak sukar untuk kau tidakkan .... ini hidup , sekarang kamu laluinya.... jadikan ia indah, walau kamu tidak mahu.... isi harimu dengan ceria.... dunia tidak kejam... pasti ada kebaikan .. dalam semua yang tidak baik... kan?
makanya disini, terpulang padamu, jalan yang bagaimana ingin kau pilih, yang penuh duri-duri yang menyesakkan dada setiap kali kau tersungkur, atau jalan yang bisa buat kau bernafas walau dalam air ... kau pilih ...